"Once I wished I was a duck...
"as mostly ducks have lots of luck.
"They swim around all day in a pool...
and mostly never have to go to school."
[LAUGHTER]
Beaver, I think that's very, very cute.
Hey, Beav, you still think you'll get a prize for that?
Sure, Wally.
I'm the only kid in the third grade who wrote a poem.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
So, how do you feel...
Ward and June handled their family problem?
- They were too perfect. - Too TV.
I agree with you, Mr. Matthews.
That's not like you.
In fact, you brought me to today's assignment.
That's like you.
Back in the prehistoric 1950s...
when Cleavers strode the earth...
The U.S. Census indicated that a model American family...
had a mother, a father, and two children.
Leftovers.
What are you talking about, Mr. Matthews?
Well, last year in fifth grade...
we divided up into families and solved problems.
It's sixth grade now, Mr. Feeny.
Families are yesterday's news.
Very well. This year, I shall let you form into urban gangs.
Cool.
Each gang will have a mother, a father, and two children.
You just love dangling...
that little string of hope in front of us...
and yanking it away, don't you?
I had a cat.
I bet it hung itself.
In this assignment...
each participant will help the other...
to become...
an ideal family member.
For instance...
Mr. Hunter and Mr. Minkus will be paired as brothers.
- Oh, no. - oh, no.
Trust me. You are going to enjoy this.
I know I shall.
Now, each of you will write a profile of a model brother.
Then each of you must become that brother.
[LAUGHING]
You mean Shawn has to act exactly like I want him to?
That's correct, Mr. Minkus.
You're gonna be Minkus' brother.
Nerd-o-rama.
I'd hate to be the guy who had them for sons.
Funny you should say that, Mr. Matthews...
or, as I like to call you...
Dad.
He's gonna be my father?
Yes!
And Miss Lawrence your mother.
No!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Uh-oh.
Don't look at them.
OK.
It's a game.
They pretend not to notice.
They're very good at this game.
But then I pretend to not notice them not noticing.
Bottom line is, nobody walks away from this.
You have a rich inner life.
One time, wouldn't it be incredible...
I mean, truly incredible...
if a beautiful girl came right up to me...
tapped me on the shoulder and said...
"I've had my eye on you.
"You are unbelievably handsome.
"You wanna talk for a few minutes?"
[SIGHS] Is that too much of a thing to ask?
Excuse me.
I've had my eye on you.
Are you aware that you're unbelievably handsome?
You missed.
I'm Alexis.
What's your name?
I used to know this.
[COUGHS] Eric.
What?
[COUGHS] Eric.
Eric, Eric Matthews.
And I'm Jason.
I'm the guy you want to talk to.
He was just standing in my spot when the miracle occurred.
You...
stand right here.
Eric, have you ever considered...
a career as a professional model?
Would your hand always be there?
I'll guide you the entire way.
I'm in.
I'll be at my booth.
Don't keep me Waiting.
Eric, take me with you.
Why would I do that?
Because I am your friend. We have been friends...
since we were, like, what, three years old.
You're gonna dump me for her?
You make a decision, buddy, right now.
Choose me or her.
See ya.
"I am Topanga's model husband."
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry. I'm just flat-out looking forward to this.
"I live my life in harmony...
"with the physical and metaphysical world...
"aligned with the Navajo spiritual path."
Uh-huh. oK.
Um, I could do that. I'd love to do that.
There's just one little thing...
that might throw this off just a smidge.
- What? - I'm not a Navajo!
You don't have to be a Native American...
to be in tune with nature.
Don't you hate it when Mom and Dad fight?
No. Into it.
Well, we're not fighting long.
'Cause I got something here...
that'll take the fight right out of Mom.
Read it and weep, little big hair.
"My model wife won't care how dirty my room gets."
Ha ha!
"She will always let me win at video games.
"She will play street hockey at any time, day or night."
Why don't you just marry Shawn?
'Cause our kids would look like horses.
My turn. Here you go, bro.
Minkus, this is, like, forty pages.
Since I have no siblings, I spend many hours imagining...
what a younger brother Minkus would act like.
Maybe something like this.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
He thought he felt her hot, mossy breath on his eye.
He blinked. She was gone.
The beating of wings...
[WHISPERS] Obsession.
Get help.
Ahem. I was discovered today.
- You get discovered at the mall? - How'd you know?
Did you pay $90 to get photos taken?
Yeah, you can't model without a portfolio.
You were scammed.
They get you to pay all this money...
And then you never hear from them.
Completely untrue. It's not a scam.
Yeah, listen to Minkus, boys. He's the smart one.
I, too, was discovered at the mall.
Doh!
Eric, girls are gonna dump you all your life...
so... get over it.
He got scammed at the mall.
Scammed? How?
Well, some girl told him he was cute...
and he forked over $90 for modeling photos.
$90?
Can I speak with you alone for a second?
No.
I would like to speak with you outside.
I know you would, but my anger...
would still be here in the kitchen.
Alan...
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER] I'll be back.
I know exactly what you were gonna say to him.
No, you don't what I was about to say to him.
Yes, you were gonna say...
"Eric, get your butt down to that mall...
"and I don't want to see you again...
"until you get your money back! "
oK, what was he going to say?
I don't know. He's more complex than you.
Anyway, the point is that we've made mistakes with money.
Let him make his.
Honey, what are we supposed to do...
just hang back, do nothing?
We are doing something.
We're trusting our child, and if he makes a mistake...
he'll learn from it.
I have been a parent for fifteen years...
and I think I know a little better...
than to trust my own kids.
Look, guys, I feel like a total jerk.
You shouldn't let me manage my own money.
I'm going to the mall, see if I can get it back.
Thanks for not jumping on my case.
That's oK, honey.
I married you for your body.
Look at her, that black widow spider.
I mean, she spun me into a web of deceit...
and hung me there like a dead fly.
She thinks she can Lure me in...
with her angelic eyes and swimsuit issue body.
Yeah, well, she can't. I'm a rock on this.
Eric!
Please don't let me give her any more of my money.
I'm glad you're back.
I bet you are. Now, look. I want...
- A job? - What?
I got a modeling job for you here at the mall.
Oh, sure. What else do I have to buy, huh?
More modeling classes? How about a billboard...
a big billboard with "Eric Matthews is an idiot"...
plastered all over Philadelphia?
The job pays $50. If they like you...
I can get you more the next time.
You're serious? This is a real modeling job?
Hey, either you want it or your don't.
You're not the only gorgeous guy...
with big hazel eyes here at the mall.
Heh heh. Actually, they're brown...
but kind of a hazely brown.
You know what the tough thing is about being married?
Actually being married?
Yeah, that. And learning to be the type of husband...
your wife wants you to be.
Were you going to say something, sweetheart?
Heh. Not for the last eighteen years, darling.
Hey, you get your money back?
Better than that. I got a career.
Excuse me?
Look, Dad, we've spent a lot of great times together...
and I'll never forget how well you treated me.
Son, are we breaking up?
Well, actually, I'm leaving my job at the store.
I got my first job as a model. It's just the beginning for me.
I'm, uh, giving you your apron back.
Thanks for taking it so well, Dad.
"Don't do anything.
"Let him work it out for himself."
Fabulous.
He Was supposed to realize his own mistake.
No, no, don't even think about it, sweetheart.
Sit back. Do nothing.
We've raised the perfect teenage boy.
He's quite capable of running his own life.
Alan... I'm letting you out of your cage.
Thank you!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ALAN: Eric. you are not going to quit a steady job...
for one modeling assignment.
I'm sure if you really think this through...
you will realize that this is not something you really want.
I've thought. I want.
When? When did you think...
in the ten seconds since you got home?
That is not the way you make an important decision...
that will change your life.
You want to make an important decision?
You consider every aspect of it.
And after you have thoroughly thought this through...
then, and only then, because I am confident...
in the way you were brought up...
I will support you in what you want to do.
I Want to be a supermodel.
Doh!
OK.
Really?
Yes, really.
I am not the type of father...
who dismisses his son's well-considered aspirations...
with some quickly tossed-off parental negativity.
That's it?
Shut up!
You are the greatest parents in the world!
Dad, you're gonna let him just walk away like that?
I just did, didn't I?
Yes, he did, and you know why?
Because your father has decided to trust his children.
Look, Dad, I know something about being a father.
And I know that this plan of yours cannot possibly work.
If I ran my school family like that, I'd get an "F '."
Don't you see Eric's making a huge mistake?
Corey, let me tell you something about being a father.
Um, it doesn't matter if you see it or I see it.
It only matters that he doesn't see it.
Well, in that case, can I spend the night at Shawn's?
It's a school night.
Yeah, but I don't see that, Dad.
Only you see that.
Well, do you see this?
You know, Dad, those aren't very clear-cut rules.
Kind of a double standard going on.
If you keep changing the rules...
how am I gonna learn how to be a model father?
Ask your wife.
So, this family's crisis...
the older, cooler brother wants to get a tattoo.
Conflicts abound.
Take it away, younger, uncool brother.
I can't fathom why any human being...
in full possession of his faculties...
would want to render himself permanently disfigured...
with so-called "body art. "
Whoa.
What?
I'm such a good geek I scared myself.
Listen, pinhead, it's my body.
And I'll do whatever I want with it...
unless maybe you'd like to try and stop me...
you woodchuck faced, nearsighted...
underweight, future I.R.S. auditor.
Mr. Minkus, I might remind you...
that eventually the bell will ring...
and he will be he, and you will be you...
and natural selection will once again rule...
the blackboard jungle.
Will five cover it?
Hey, talk some more.
OK, you live under our roof.
We make the decisions. No tattoo.
Tattoo, you, no.
A person's body is his temple.
If our son Wants to ornament his temple With a tattoo...
let him worship in his own way.
Nam myo ho renge kyo.
You are so bizarre!
I've decided, without benefit of discussion with my spouse...
because that's the kind of husband I know you'll be...
the tattoo will have to wait.
Whoa.
Cool.
Stuart, a tattoo.
It speaks to me.
Minkus, what's the deal?
We agreed on no tattoo.
Mr. Feeny's assignment was to solve a family problem...
and I decided to solve it my way.
Well, actually, his way.
Minkus...
you've got a dark side.
It speaks to me.
Let's not go overboard. It's just a press-on.
Great.
Thanks for screwing up the assignment.
On the contrary, Mr. Matthews.
Mr. Minkus didn't screw up the assignment at all.
Yeah, but we had our family discussion...
all planned out, and he messed it up.
He broke the rules.
Which is exactly what happens in real families.
There is no model household.
There are no model parents.
I think the only way you can judge a family...
is by how much love there is in the home.
Excellent point, Miss Lawrence.
A family is a living, breathing thing...
that requires constant adjustment and change.
But Beaver's dad never changed.
You always knew what he was gonna say.
Beaver's dad Wasn't real. Real fathers have to adapt.
Real fathers don't have a script...
like Beaver's father did.
I guess it's easy to sound smart...
when you've got the best writers in Hollywood...
writing everything you say.
I Wouldn't know.
Hi. I'm Eric Matthews.
I believe you'll be taking pictures of me.
[GIGGLES] Because he's a model.
And we're the babes who hang out with him.
Because he's a model.
And who are you?
I'm the happy sidekick.
Come on, Matthews.
They're waiting for you in wardrobe.
Wardrobe... industry term for clothes.
Excuse me.
Look, my shoot starts at 4:00.
Make sure these girls are here.
I want them to see me in all my glory.
I quit!
You can't quit.
You signed a contract.
Do you have any idea what it's like...
to dress up in a humiliating outfit...
and have people gawk at you like you're less than human?
Been there. Done that.
Welcome to the world of big-time modeling.
What are you looking at?
Oh!
Cory!
Cory, that lobster over there seems to know you.
Boy, what kind of idiot would wear...
one of these getups at the mall?
ERIC : Come here!
Apparently Eric.
Eric, this may come as somewhat of a shock...
but you're a lobster, dude.
Look, Jason and I invited 2 girls here to watch me model.
Well, I hope they bring a side of slaw.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You have to get rid of them!
Jason!
Hey, come to see your brother up in lights, too, huh?
Yeah, but he had to leave.
Why? What happened?
Uh, he's not feeling well.
Yeah, he's a little under the water.
- Weather. - Yeah.
Wow, how weird.
He was fine a few hours ago.
So, I guess you want to just take the girls...
and get out of here immediately, right?
MAN ON P.A.: Is anyone hungry?
Shoppers. now's your chance to win...
a free Lobster dinner from Larry's Lobster Locker!
Oh...
oh, lobster.
Win us a lobster.
ALL you have to do to win a free meaL...
is knock Larry the Lobster into the giant tub of butter.
Eric! My brother Eric!
That's my brother Eric!
Oh, check it out.
Oh, he's a lobster.
SECOND GIRL: How embarrassing for him.
Maybe we should be sensitive and understanding.
Then We Wouldn't be us.
- Dunk him. - Dunk him.
Hey, come on. Don't throw that, Jason.
We've been best friends since we were three years old.
Who are you gonna listen to...
some girls you don't even know or me?
See ya.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Ahem. Welcome to Market Giant, sir.
Here on aisle one...
you'll find our sugar, flour, and iodized salt.
Over here on aisle two, you'll find our cereals...
rice, and freeze-dried coffees.
Do your items need bagging, sir?
Here, let me help you quickly and efficiently.
I know that cans go on the bottom...
durable boxes on top of that...
oK, oK, oK. I get it.
You're the best former box boy that ever lived.
Well, thanks, Dad. You know...
it takes talent to notice talent.
Are you asking for your job back?
Uh, yes, but asking is just my opening offer.
I'm prepared for begging...
and authorized to go as high as groveling.
Eric, that position is filled.
You hired someone else?
Dad hired someone else.
Did you grovel?
How could you do that, Dad?
I'm the store manager. It's kind of my job.
You got to give me my job back, Dad.
Eric, I can't fire somebody...
just because you suddenly want to come back.
Dad, do you remember when I was little...
and we used to play Monopoly...
and I'd roll the dice and land on Boardwalk...
- while you had a hotel on it? - Yeah.
Well, you called a misroll and you let me roll again.
Yeah.
Well, Dad, this modeling thing...
I... I misrolled.
Yeah, but...
you're not little anymore.
You wanted to make your own decisions...
live your own life. I let you.
I know, but come on, Dad. Just for old time's sake?
Can't I be little again?
Eric, I'm not always gonna be there to give you another roll.
I know, but you're here now.
I mean, you're my father. You're supposed to help me.
Can I have my job back, please?
No.
But we could use some help on the weekend night shift.
My old job?
Goodbye, Friday and Saturday nights.
What's the difference?
After those two girls tell all the other girls...
about your secret life as a lobster...
do you think you'll ever date again?
I'll take the job.
Ooh, you're good.
Oh, you think so, huh?
Yeah, because when you're a good father...
like you and me...
you realize that once in a while...
kids do stupid things like become a lobster...
or get a tattoo.
But a family's a living, breathing thing.
And you didn't let that throw you.
Did you get a tattoo?
- Hmm? - What?
Did you get a tattoo? Because if you got a tattoo...
You are not gonna be a living, breathing thing. Where is it?
- You're missing the point, Dad! - Where's the tattoo?
[GRUNTING]
So you teach modeling, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And you probably sell the pictures...
a guy would need for his portfolio, too?
Mm-hmm.
And that would run in the range of what, ninety bucks?
Are you lost?
No. See, I saw your modeling pictures up here...
and I was wondering...
If I'm the type of guy you're looking for.
Not interested.
How come you're not interested?
Do you have $90?
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